10.11.02 - 5:15pm - Back in the Saddle Again

I haven't written in forever, I know. I don't know what's been stopping me. Maybe I was sick of reading my own endless drivel. Maybe I've just had nothing worth writing. Maybe all that's gone on with me hasn't been stuff I can write publicly. I don't know.

I've been OK. Stressed out, but OK. Paul and I are doing well. I'm really proud of him these days. I'm also sometimes frustrated with him but we can actually discuss it, which makes me happy. I mean...the discussions are often really emotional and painful, but the fact is I'd rather have that than my past habits of just swallowing everything, never discussing, and allow it to destroy my insides. After an argument one night I said that to him before going to sleep...how I know it's hard when that happens...but it makes me really happy that it CAN happen between us. To be able to "fight" and get through it instead of being so afraid of each other that we pretend the issues don't exist.

We're having a paaaaarty. :) A small one, anyway. More a dinner party than a party party, but it's not a formal dinner party. It's going to be a Halloween party. Paul and I are dressing up, thought I don't know if others are. :) We still have to define a lot of the menu. But I have decorations and we're working on getting the apartment cleaned up. The kitchen and dining area and computer area are all clean and looking really nice. The "living room" area and entrance and upstairs still need a lot of work. Part of this is getting all of Paul's books finally in the bookcases and also getting some of the other storage stuff sorted out. And we need to do laundry.

I'm really excited about the party. It gives us a deadline to force us to have our place presentable. It gives us a chance to have friends over. It gives us a chance to share food with people we like. It gives us a chance to introduce everyone to our kitties! :) Some folks have met the kitten but not the others.

I was supposed to go to a wedding today but since I haven't actually heard from Judy in ages I guess I'm not going. She didn't even call to give me details even though she knew I was planning to go. I feel like there's a wall there. Partly put up by me, I know. I never really call or visit. And I'm made to feel guilty for that. But she never calls me either. And she's never seen my apartment. I know she comes to my town for shopping sometimes. I told her she's always welcome to visit. She could call. Sigh. I know in her eyes I'm the bad guy here. And I'm not innocent. But I'm not the only one building the wall.

To be honest I'd not really care if she fell out of my life. I'm cold that way. I don't have the energy to devote to people I think I SHOULD be all contact-y with but don't actually connect with. I've always felt a disconnection and distance when it comes to her...but it wasn't really an issue when my dad was around. He was our glue. And when he was gone there was still the glue that we lived in the same house. I saw her less...and WANTED to see her less, but we still had to be around each other. I think on both our parts our relationship was somewhat plastic...being involved because we had to be involved due to circumstances. And now I don't live there anymore. There's nothing forcing us to interact. So we've both fallen away from it. I'd be OK with that if she didn't make me feel so guilty the times I actually do see or talk to her.

I have a hard enough time staying in contact with the friends I adore...you can imagine how hard it is to make myself go all out for folks I don't even feel a real connection with.

At any rate. I've heard nothing about the wedding. So I guess I'm not going. Nice. And all this time I was planning on going to the wedding so I knew I couldn't go to the EFO show(s) that SO many people I want to see are going to tonight. And now it's too late to get tickets to the early show. There are some available for the late show but I honestly don't want to go to that one. I don't want to be out that late, especially because Paul wouldn't be with me and I'd miss him. I want to see Shelly and see Ellen before she leaves (I don't WANT her to leave!) and the rest of the many many folks who will be there. I'm not even sure who will be! :)

I have to come in to work tomorrow which kinda bites. What bites even more is I have to come in at 4pm or so. It's not like I can do it in the morning and then have it out of the way and do whatever I want the rest of the day. I have to be around to get calls from my boss at home to see if we're still on schedule and then I have to come in and do some testing. About an hour's worth, and then go home. Almost an hour of driving for an hour of work. :) Wheee.

I was out sick two days this week. Weirdness going on inside. Weird girl-stuff and a lot of pain...so intrusive that I actually called my doctor. Wasn't able to get in to be seen but talked on the phone and got instructions on things to try. Seems to be working. I just wish I understood my body. It sucks.

I wanted to cut a couple of weeks ago and I didn't. I felt so out of control and that was my old way to gain control. Unfortunately as a substitute I tried to control food instead. I tried to stop eating. I couldn't of course, but I did mess up my eating for a while. It wasn't even really conscious...I just found I was not eating and punishing myself and depriving myself. It's only the analysis afterwards that made me understand it was my cutting substitute. Trying to gain control of SOMETHING. If everything is out of control and I can't have control of my pain like I used to...I'd control my food. I still obviously need to find a healthy outlet for that desperate need for control. On the one hand I'm proud that I didn't cut or burn myself. But on the other hand I'm really disappointed in how I diverted it...and angry that I was able to deceive myself about my motives until later.

I'm still utterly miserable here at work. I applied for a job in another company but I never heard anything. That's a bummer. Paul's also been applying, looking for jobs. It sucks that some he seemed perfect for haven't even called back. Dorkuses.

I think my sister's first wedding anniversary is tomorrow. I'll have to call her or send an e-card or something. Man...a lot has changed since then. That was pretty much the last time my dad was really out of the house and functional. I'm really glad he got to be at her wedding...and I'm glad she got to have him there. I'm sad he missed meeting Paul by a month or two. I really think he would have loved him and been happy with my choice. They're so alike in a lot of ways. It makes me sad that if I marry Paul someday I won't have my dad there. And I don't even want my mom there. I feel so much like I have no family anymore. Which isn't true. I don't know. Whatever.