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03.07.03 - 6:11 p.m. - Yes, she's alive Yeah, I know I haven't updated this since October. I don't know why. I
just stopped feeling like it. I'm sure it's partly because I can't update
it from work. Work is where I have the chance to write and it got
frustrating writing a whole entry all day at work and having to send it
home and update there. Which I'm doing today. It just got tiresome and I
didn't feel I had anything to say anyway. I'm getting my brakes replaced tomorrow. They've been bad for a long time, but within the past week or so they've gotten to the "metal scraping on metal" stage. Which is lovely, because it means I've likely destroyed the rotors too and will end up paying more than if I just did it when they started squealing. I f'in HATE what a procrastinator I am. I know better. I had the exact same thing happen to my old car. I never learn. Well, I DO learn. I just can't seem to make that learned knowledge overcome my extreme laziness, anxiety, and forgetfulness. I keep ruining things for myself this way. I forget to pay bills or put them off until I'm hurting my credit or incurring late charges and such. I always had the money to pay them. I just never got around to it. I bring this sh1t upon myself and it's horrible because it's the exact type of sh1t that will send me into anxiety attacks. If I dealt with them in a timely fashion I wouldn't have to be terrified of the fallout. I'm such a f'ing loser. Paid a TON of bills last week. Only a couple outstanding now. It's a start. But damn it hurts to write over $2000 worth of checks. It's weird. I'm slowly getting re-connected with my mother. I think my last, ancient entry mentioned the breast cancer stuff she sent me? Well that's not really relevant but that was sort of a beginning. She's emailed me. And...I decided to let my guard down and email her back and tell her a bit about me. We still haven't talked on the phone, but she does have my number. She also offered to do my taxes so I sent them to her through my sister. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm softening up a bit. Especially since my sister has reported some changes in my mother that seem to indicate she's trying. I'm gunshy. I don't know if I'm ready to accept her as my mother. But. Maybe I can accept her as another human being that I can interact with. I'm just afraid of falling into the old stuff. Letting her be all judgemental and bully me into being submissive. Of becoming "the good daughter" again and suppressing everything in myself. I don't want to be that girl again. I don't want to be silent to things about her that bother me. But I don't know if I am capable of being anything else. That's why I dropped contact with her like 7 years ago. I couldn't grow a backbone in terms of dealing with her but I couldn't take the status quo anymore. So I excised the disease. Didn't even try to treat it with medicine first. And maybe it was the wrong thing to do. But it made things a lot easier for me for years. Of course that's one of my problems, isn't it? So many of my decisions are about making things easier for myself. And they often are genuinely things that need to change and be dealt with. But the specific path I take is dictated more by what's easiest for me rather than what's kindest or best for everyone. I hope I can stop doing that. My relationship with my mother DID need to change. She was abusing the relationship and being a not-very-nice person. But I should have tried to talk it out. Her being cut entirely out of my life for 6 years hurt her a great deal. Things needed to CHANGE. They didn't need to be cruel. I need to learn that. We'll see what happens. Slow and steady, right? She's the only parent I have left. I don't feel love for her right now. But maybe it's there to develop. I don't know yet. I really honestly don't know I don't know if I'm going to start writing here again or anything. But I wanted to drop a line to make it not totally dead. *shrug* |
Stayin' Alive - 11.03.03 , 10:52 a.m.
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